


A Little Happier

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hope, M/M, Mental Health Issues, OCD, Strangers to Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 01:26:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17499023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Mark is sad and Donghyuck is weird. But maybe together they will be okay.





	A Little Happier

 

Mark is laying on his bed. His alarm has gone off propably fifteen minutes ago already. Mark doesn't want to get up. Summer is over and it is the first day of school again. Mark has his final year in high school ahead of him. But he really doesn't want to get up and face the reality. Things are so much easier during holidays. On holidays Mark feels like he could breathe easier. That the darkness lurking on the edge of his mind stays futher away.

The thing is, Mark is always a little sad. But when he actually tries to face that thought, comes he always to the same conclusion: that he doesn’t really have a valid reason to feel that way. He has nice and supporting parents, amazing friends, more money than people in his age usually have and an own apartment, and even though he doesn’t like school he has managed to keep his grades decent enough.

And besides, the feeling of sadness or feeling down isn’t even the kind to paralyze Mark from functioning or make him cry all the time. It doesn’t make him push away the people he cares about and he still finds some things that bring him joy. The feeling of the sadness, it just always kind of... is there. Sometimes, like today, Mark finds it hard to get up from the bed. He really enjoys the company of his friends but sometimes he just gets tired pretty quickly. Mark is often tired, but aren’t all the teenagers and young adults? Sometimes Mark feels like crying for no reason but every person cries time to times, right? And sure, it is really hard for Mark to find the motivation to do his schoolwork, but hey, who likes school anyway?

The feeling has been there maybe a year. Or two. A tiny voice on the back of Mark's mind tells him that he's not quite okay. But that tiny voice is drowned by stronger voices demanding that he is just fine. It is just stress, it is temporal. Mark is perfectly fine. He has to be. He doesn't have a right to feel depressed.

So Mark gets up. He comes out of his bedroom and heads to the bathroom. Mark’s apartment is a two-room apartment, so it has a bedroom, a living room and a kitchen. He also has a balcony. There’s a door next to the living room windows that leads to the balcony. Mark lives on the fourth floor.

The apartment is pretty new and definitely something that people in his age can usually only dream about. All the walls are white and the floors are dark brown laminate. There are couple of paintings decorating the living room walls. Kitchen and living room are filled with nice, new furniture. Mark has all the necessities one would need in their apartment. He has wealthy parents who are more than happy to provide a nice living place for their only child while he’s still studying.

Mark brushes his teeth and takes a quick shower. He dries himself with a towel the best he can and then heads back to the mess of his room. There are clothes scattered all around the floor and the garbage can is so full that some rubbish have fallen to the floor. Mark has a bed that can easily fit two in it, a messy desk and a big shelves full of CDs.

Mark doesn’t bother to open the curtains but instead chooses to flick the lights on. He rummages through his wardrobe looking for something to wear. He decides on black jeans and an orange sweatshirt with some text on the sleeves. Simple and comfortable enough. Mark combs through his black hair with his fingers and takes his backbag from the floor. He is ready to go. Mark couldn’t care less about that fixation people seem to have that you must make an effort and leave a great impression on your first day of school. Mark is going to school to try to manage not to impress anyone.

Mark walks to the hallway and puts his red Converses on. They aren’t exactly a perfect match with his orange shirt but he really can’t be bothered. Mark moves some sheets of advertisement out of the way when he opens the door. There’s a huge pile of all kinds of advertisement and newspapers piled on the right side of the door. Mark always just throws everything not-important coming from mail slot to the pile. He knows he should take that paperwaste to the recycling bins outside but he never gets it done. Every time he’s about to step out of his front door, he looks at the pile thinking he will take them out next time. And the next time he thinks that he will take them out the next time. And so on. That actual next time with things happening seems to never come.

~~~~~

Mark walks to the school yard. He can instantly spot his friends close to the main doors of the schoolbuilding. Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun and Chenle are all there already, discussing excitedly. Mark has been friends with Jaemin since they were both toddlers, that nowadays pink haired boy always being Mark’s best friend. Renjun and Chenle came to the picture at the end of primary school and Jeno they met during the middle school.

Mark, Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun are all starting their final year in high school now. But Mark is actually a year older than the other boys. He was held back one year in middle school, so he’s now 19 while Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun are 18. Chenle is 17 and starting his second year (out of the three years people here spend in high school).

Mark has a minute to observe his friends while walking towards them. Jeno seems to have dyed his hair blonde again. It’s been couple years since he last had blonde hair. Renjun is going with brown as usual and Chenle’s before summer green hair has replaced with dirty blonde. Jaemin sticks to pink hair which is great since it really suits him. Jaemin has light colored jeans and a sparkling rainbow colored shirt on. He has always been very confident and vocal about his sexuality.

When it comes to their friend group, Jaemin, Jeno, Mark and Chenle are gays. And then there’s Renjun who doesn’t admit or deny anything. That boy really likes to keep his secrets. Luckily the school they go to are filled with open minded people so it’s easy for everyone to express themselves freely.

“Mark!” Jeno suddenly sees him and shouts out to Mark who’s walking towards his friends.

Chenle takes off running and soon enough, crashes to Mark proceeding to hug the life out of the black haired boy.

“It’s so nice to see you, Old Man!” he screams to Mark’s ear.

“You too, fetus”, Mark laughs.

“Touché”, Chenle mumbles while letting go of Mark to give Jeno a chance to hug him next.

It is in fact been a while since Mark saw his friends. They haven’t seen each other at all during the two month vacation. Chenle went to China for the whole summer, Renjun simply disappeared and Jaemin and Jeno saw only each other when Jaemin was forced to go to their summer cottage to God knows where and Jeno was the only one who visited him. Mark himself went to see his grandparents for a couple of weeks at the beginning of the summer and then he was busy packing his stuff, moving to live on his own apartment and unpacking again. After that he just kind of did nothing for the rest of the summer.

“I missed you bro”, Jeno smiles and gives Mark a tight hug. Mark tells him that he missed him too. Then he proceeds to hug Renjun whose hug is much more careful but definitely as meaningful as the previous ones.

“Mark, my man! I haven’t heard of you the whole summer. What kind of best friend are you again? You didn’t even facetime me when I was locked in that hellhole of a summercottage. Shame on you!” Jaemin shouts, althought affectionately, when giving Mark a hug. Mark gives him an innocent smile.

“I missed you too, Jaem”, he says. He actually feels little ashamed that he’s been so M.I.A for the last two months, but what can he do about it now? He must try to step up his game from now on.

“I will forgive you. You have not been the only one who’s been a-wall for the whole summer”, Jaemin narrows his eyes to Chenle and Renjun.

“Oh please, don’t act like you aren’t happy you got to spend time with only Jeno”, Renjun retords back. Jeno flushes slightly and Jaemin sticks his tongue out towards Renjun. Then he proceeds to grab Jenos hand and starts to play with his fingers. Mark gasps.

“Has it finally happened?” he asks eyes flickering between the hand holding couple and Chenle and Renjun. The thing is, Jeno and Jaemin have been dancing around each other since the end of middle school and the other three boys have been impatiently waiting for them to get their shit together and start dating already. Looks like after about three years it might have finally happened.

“Jaemin and I are dating”, Jeno tells Mark and smiles his most radiant smile, the one that makes his eyes adorable crescents.

“Guys, I’m so happy for you!” Mark laughs a happy and relieved laugh and squeezes the both of them in to a hug.

“And I’m so relieved they finally got their shit together and we don’t have to watch the pining anymore”, Renjun joins the hug.

“And I am happy for all of us and don’t want to be left out of this group hug”, Chenle confesses, he too joining to smother Jaemin and Jeno. The two of them whine until the others let them free again. Then Jaemin pecks Jeno lightly to the lips. Mark really is so happy for them.

The group takes of walking towards the door heading inside. Mark walks next to Renjun who is humming to some song.

“Renjun, were did you actually disappear?” Mark asks curiously.

“I went to Russia”, the brown haired boy answers nonchalantly like it was completely normal to disappear to Russia for two months without telling anyone. Mark is pretty sure Renjun’s a spy.

~~~~~

The boys are sitting in their home classroom. Mark and Renjun sit next to each other at the back on the left side of the classroom. Jeno sits at the same row but on the right side of the room. Jaemin on the other hand is sitting at the very first row on the left side of the room so that he is placed as far away from Jeno as possible. Those two were banned to sit next to each other since beginning of the second year and that still stands. It is best for everyone’s concentration.

The classroom is filled with buzzing as people are telling about their holidays and screaming how much they have missed each others. Mark can’t help but to hope that he was still in the silence of his quiet apartment. Luckily the racket is soon cut off as the teacher walks in with a unfamiliar boy in his tow. Everyone eyes curiously at the newcomer. They didn’t know they would be having a new student.

“Good morning everyone and welcome back”, Mr. Kim starts. “I hope you all have had a nice and relaxing summer and are now filled with new energy to study harder than ever for your final year in high school”, he continues. _Oh, you wish_ , Mark can’t help but to think sourly.

“We have gotten a new student. Everyone, this is Lee Donghyuck. He has moved here recently. Let’s make him feel welcome, right everyone?”, Mr. Kim smiles and introduces the boy standing next to him. Mark finally takes a good look at the newcomer. The boy has light brown hair, beatiful shaped brown eyes highlighted with a hint of eyeshadow and plump lips. His skin is tanned and he’s wearing dark blue jeans and a bright yellow sweatshirt. _He’s very beautiful_ , Mark thinks.

The boy – Donghyuck, Mark reminds himself – takes a slightly nervous glance around the room. Everyone’s eyes are on Donghyuck while they greet him. Donghyuck nods as a greeting back.

“So Donghyuck. This is your homeclass for the year. This is the group with you study all the classes except art, music, drama and PE. I assume you have done your schedule with our student counsellor”, Donghyuck nods to confirm Mr. Kim’s question.

“Great! I am sure you will adapt very quickly. Remember always ask me, our other staff or your classmates if something is not clear. Now let’s see”, Mr. Kim scans around the classroom. The only available seat is next to Jaemin. Mr. Kim narrows his eyes for a moment before sighing almost imperceptibly.

“You can take a seat over there, next to Jaemin”, he says putting his right hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder while pointing towars Jaemin with his other hand.

Mark sees how Donghyuck visibly flinches when Mr. Kim sets his hand on Donghyuck shoulder. The boy collects himself very quickly to not draw attention but Mark can see the slightly vivid expression that still lingers on the boy’s eyes. Mr. Kim doesn’t seem to notice Donghyuck’s distress while pointing towards Jaemin and the free seat. Mark’s eyes follow Donghyuck as he walks to his seat and sits down next to Jaemin.

  
~~~~~

Donghyuck breaks away from Mr. Kim’s touch and walks towards his assained seat. _It’s okay_ , he thinks. _He touched your sweathirt not your skin. It’s okay. Just don’t touch that spot and you are just fine. Everything is fine_ , Donghyuck’s toughts run fast as he sits down next to a pink haired boy.

“Hi there, I’m Jaemin!” the pink haired boy greets Donghyuck enthusiastically. Donghyuck’s disturbing thoughts are halted. Donghyuck turns to look at Jaemin and is greeted with a blinding smile. He returnes to the smile.

“Hi, I’m Donghyuck, as you might have already heard” Donghyuck laughs slightly and scans his eyes across Jaemin. “I really like your shirt”, he continues and Jaemin looks delighted.

“Thank you so much!” Jaemin thanks him and is just about to say something else when Mr. Kim asks for everyone’s attention. Jaemin pouts slightly but turns his head towards the teacher and Donghyuck follows suit. Donghyuck let’s out a breath slowly and tries to relax in his chair. It is time to start studying again.

~~~~~

When the bell signals time for a break, everyone darts out of the classroom. Since they will be coming back to the same classroom everybody just leaves their stuff inside. Donghyuck waits until others are out before exiting the room himself. He walks to the hall and takes a look around. People are chatting in their respective groups and there are laughter everywhere. Donghyuck feels little out of place.

“Hey Donghyuck, come here!” someone shouts from his right. Donghyuck turns to look and is greeted by the sight of Jaemin and some other boys. He walks up to them.

“I thought you might like to hang with us”, Jaemin smiles. “Here are Jeno, Renjun and Mark. There’s also usually a Chenle but he seems to have vanished right now”, Jaemin continues and waves his hand towards the boys standing next to him. Donghyuck looks at them and there are three different pairs of curious eyes looking back at him.

“Hi, I’m Jeno!” the one with silvery blonde hair says happily and straightens his hand towards Donghyuck to give him a handshake like polite people usually do with strangers. Donghyuck swallows and eyes the hand couple seconds longer than it is socially acceptable before taking it giving Jeno a handshake.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Donghyuck”, he says and smiles to the blonde boy with crescent eyes. They let go and then Donghyuck shakes hands with a boy named Renjun. After that he turns to the last boy, a black haired boy named Mark.

Donghyuck can’t but notice how pretty Mark is. His black hair is kind of messily on his head somehow making it still look very good and causing Donghyuck to wonder if Mark styled his hair or just rolled out of bed without doing anything to it. Mark also has very defined features and kind eyes, although pretty tired ones. Donghyuck thinks if Mark is sleeping enough. The boy is wearing black skinny jeans and a orange shirt which go very well together. But his red shoes kind of messes up the color theme. Cute, Donghyuck thinks.

Mark smiles to him and shakes his hand, although a little apprehensively. They lock eyes and for a second Donghyuck is lost in Mark’s dark, somehow deep eyes. But the moment is gone as fast as it had come. Donghyuck doesn’t really know what to make of that.

But to be honest, right know he can’t really think completely straight anyway. The feeling in his hand is taking over his mind. Donghyuck is keeping his right hand so that it won’t touch any part of him. You touched their skin. They touched your skin. You need to wash your hands. You need to wash them now.

Before anyone has time to continue the getting to know each others, Donghyuck asks suddenly: “Hey by the way, where are the bathrooms? I could really use one before we have to go to the next class.” He smiles his best fake innocent smile.

“Oh, just go at the end of this hall and turn right, you can’t miss them. We’ll wait here”, Jeno anwers and Donghyuck thanks him. He takes off towards the bathrooms. He is slightly twitching his right hand’s fingers. Like Jeno said, Donghyuck doesn’t miss the bathroom. He rushes to the boys bathroom.

Donghyuck thanks the God above when he sees that along with the general sinks outside bathroom stalls there are also a sink inside every stall. He goes inside one of them. Donghyuck opens the tap and let’s the water run over his hands. Then he adds soap and rubs his hands together. He rinses the soap off and then proceeds to do the hole thing again. And then again. After the third time he finally feels like his hands are clean enough.

Then he shuts the tap. And even if he knows it is shut, he presses it down again. And again. He has to keep doing it until it feels right. There’s no magical number after which it is enough. He just has to do it until it’s right. Sometimes it takes 2 times, sometimes 27. This time it takes about 8 presses. Then finally, Donghyuck can leave the bathroom.

He exits the bathroom and heads back to the boys waiting, feeling so much lighter than before.

~~~~~

Mark watches as Donghyuck takes off towards the bathrooms. He’s not sure if he’s imagining things or if Donghyuck really is holding his right hand weirdly. It takes him back to the moment in classroom when the teacher had touched the boy. Mark wonders if the boy had just been suprised by the touch or if there was something more to it. Donghyuck had also seem to be uncomfortable with the idea of shaking hands. Or maybe Mark is just reading into things. Maybe when you’re own head isn’t in the best shape you start to imagine that something is wrong with others too.

Donghyuck comes back from the toilet and seems completely normal. Mark puts his ponders aside and prepares to get into discussion with the others. They still have couple of minutes before the bell is going to ring.

“So Donghyuck, tell us something about yourself?”, Renjun suggests. Donghyuck smiles little awkwardly when all the eyes turn on him, but gets over it pretty quickly.

“Well, like Mr. Kim said, I just recently moved here, I live about fifteen minute walk from the school. I have a little brother named Jisung who actually started high school here today. Um, I really like music, especially listening to it and singing myself. My favorite color is yellow and I don’t like fish... God, this is kinda hard, that’s so open question”, Donghyuck laughs while scraping his neck. Mark smiles, the boy is pretty adorable.

“You must be taking courses of music then?” Jeno asks. Donghyuck hums in agreement.

“Yeah, I am taking the one with song writing and the one where we are going to make a band and practise couple of songs”, he tells. Mark‘s attention perks notably to that.

“I’m taking those same courses”, Mark speaks up the first time after saying hello to Donghyuck. Donghyuck’s eyes lights up at what he said.

“Really? That’s so great. I have someone I know on those classes”, he smiles excitedly to Mark. Then he proceeds to ask what creative courses the others have picked. Renjun has taken two different art courses and Jaemin and Jeno one art course and one P.E. They all have those classes every day on the last class of the day. Mark and Donghyuck are gonna have the band class on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and the song writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

~~~~~

After their second class of the day it is time for lunch. The group heads to the cafeteria. The cafeteria is big and full of noise and buzzing. Donhyuck gets into the line after Jaemin. Mark comes after him. Donghyuck is keeping his distance from Jaemin and is very relieved that Mark seems to be giving him space in the line too. Donghyuck chooses a sandwhich packed on plastic and a smoothie in a bottle. He follows Jaemin to the table.

Donghyuck sits at the end of the table, next to Renjun. Jaemin and Jeno are sitting next to each other on the other side of the table and Mark comes to sit in front of Donghyuck. Suddenly a young boy with dirty blonde hair sits next to Renjun greeting everyone loudly. This must be a Chenle, Donghyuck muses as he turns to look at the boy. The boy seems to have noticed that there’s a new face at the table.

“Oh, hi! I’m Chenle! I haven’t seen you before, you must be new”, Chenle says to Donghyuck while sitting down.

“Hi, I’m Donghyuck. I am new indeed, just moved here. I’m in the same school class as Renjun, Jaemin, Jeno and Mark”, Donghyuck explains to the younger. He keeps his hands busy by unwrapping his sandwich.

“That’s great, welcome to the town and the school and this gang. Tell me Donghyuck, do you, by any chance, happen to be gay?” Chenle asks innocently, as if he was just asking about the weather and like it was completely acceptable to pry someone’s sexual orientation after having spoken only few sentences to them. Mark chokes on his sandwhich after hearing the direct question. Renjun burst out laughing and Jaemin is grinning widely while pounding Mark on the back. Jeno smiles awkwardly and apologises Donghyuck about Chenle’s inability of being discreet. Donghyuck just laughs.

“What? This whole group is pretty much all gays, so I wanted to know if Hyuck here is one too. Maybe we lure gay people”, Chenle shrughs.

“I like how you think”, Donghyuck beams at Chenle. “And yes, I am very much gay, so maybe you do lure gay people”, he chuckles. Chenle looks victorious.

“Oh, by the way, Jeno and I are dating each other”, Jaemin speaks up and tells Donghyuck.

“I was actually thinking before if you two were. You are such a cute couple”, Donghyuck coos at the two. Jaemin yet again looks delighted and Jeno pecks him on the cheek.

Rest of the luch and the other breaks of the day goes quickly, the boys getting to know Donghyuck little better and Donghyuck getting to know them.

~~~~~

When the bell signals for the last class of the day to be starting, the boys separate on their respective classes. Mark and Donghyuck head of to the music classroom. Mark suddenly feels a little nervous. He and Donghyuck haven’t actually spoken to each other other than those couple sentences in the morning. Mark has simply been listening to the others talking.

They get inside the music classroom and take adjacent seats. Mark can feel Donghyuck eyeing the side of his face. He too must have realised they haven’t actually talked to each other properly yet. Mark swallows and turns his gaze to meet Donghyuck’s.

“What kind of music do you like?” Donghyuck asks him. It is actually really good question to break the ice. Mark relaxes. Music is pretty much his favorite subject in the world.

“I’m really open to anything. I like always trying different genres and finding new songs to listen to. But I guess my favorite genres are rap, pop and rock”, Mark tells him keeping his answer simple. “How about you?”

“Hm, it is actuall pretty much same to me. As long as the song has a nice melody and good lyrics, I’m all for it”, Donghyuck muses smiling. Mark nods in agreement. They continue to talk about some artists and bands they like to listen to. Mark thinks Donghyuck is really easy to talk to.

The boys end up in the same band with three other people. Mark is really happy to be in the same group as Donghyuck. He can’t wait to hear Donghyuck sing, the boy has so nice talking voice already that Mark can only imagine how beautiful his singing voice is going to be.

~~~~~

Mark is walking home from school. It takes about ten minutes from the school to his apartment. With every step the nice feeling from meeting his friends is fading away. The time Mark reaches his building and gets inside the artment his head is filled with tired mist.

The black haired boy changes his jeans and sweatshirt to a loose t-shirt and knee-length shorts and falls onto his bed. The clock is around 4:30 pm and Mark falls asleep. He wakes up at 9 pm just to drink some water and eat an apple and then he goes back to sleep. Mark sleeps until the next morning.

~~~~~

“Honey, it’s time to get up!” Donghyuck’s mother shouts behind the door of Donghyuck’s bedroom. She doesn’t come in but instead keeps on knocking the door until she hears her son stirring awake. Donghyuck’s family members never just come inside his room. They sometimes visit the room when Donghyuck is inside and feeling relaxed, giving the permission. But mostly it is a unspoken rule that no one goes to his room. Jisung and Ms. Lee know Donghyuck is precise with certain things, even neurotic. They just don’t quite know the extension of it.

“I’m awake!” Donghyuck shouts back and his mother goes on with her morning routines. Donghyuck gets up from his bed and heads to the bathroom. First he showers, then proceeds to brush his teeth and wash his face. It takes about 17 presses to feel right with the tap. Donghyuck exits the bathroom.

The light brown haired boy goes back to his room. The room isn’t really big or small, it fits a single bed, a desk, a wardrobe and a shelf. There’s some posters and fotographs on the walls. Donghyuck has a big window and there are black curtains on the both side of it. His desk is set in front of the window. There are some things on the desk, like a basket full of pencils and Donghyuck’s laptop.

Again, all the things in his room must be placed right. The basket on the table must be on the right angle when it comes to the edge of the tableboard. The laptop must always be so that the left side of it is in the right angle, coming closer to Donghyuck than the right side of the laptop.

When Donghyuck closes his curtains he has to keep fiddling with them until they feel right. The two curtains must overlap each other just right or otherwise Donghyuck can’t keep thinking anything but them. Also the mattress on the floor must always be so that when coming from the door, the closest corner on the right is pushed little closer to the bed, than the left one. And the mattress obviously keeps moving when someone, usually only Donghyuck, walks on it. So Donghyuck has to keep putting it to the right angle over and over again. And this kind of behaviour continues with so many items on his room and even out of it.

When Donghyuck eats, the label on the bottom of the plate must be on the right position. When he sits down the seams of his pants must go straight on the sides of his pants. If someone touches his skin he has to wash that place. If someone touches him on the clothes he spends crazy amount of time feeling uncomfortable and thinking about it. And the list goes on.

Every day Donghyuck has to do and keep repeating these seemingly crazy acts so that he can get through his life and ironically keep a peace in his head. It takes so much time but there is no option to not do them. It is so freaking tiring but there’s no option to stop. It is one horrible circle of repeating acts that same time make you feel crazy and relieved.

~~~~~

Mark rests his head on the school desk. It is Tuesday, the second day of the school year and Mark is already completely sick of school. Renjun sitting next to him is scrolling through his phone. They are both little early so there aren’t many people in the classroom yet.

“Good morning!” suddenly someone, suspiciously sounding like Jaemin, shouts from the door. Mark lifts his head enough to see Jaemin and Jeno and right behind them Donghyuck walking in to the classroom. The boys don’t yet go to their respective seats but instead come to Renjun and Mark. Mark doesn’t bother to sit up straight. Renjun greets the others, Mark follows suit. The only difference is that his voice is muffled by his arms on which he is resting his head.

“Mark, do you know what I realised just a moment ago? We haven’t seen your new apartment yet”, Jaemin says excitedly to Mark. Mark is finally forced to lift himself up. He rises and proceeds to ruffle his hair a bit.

“Yeah, you’re right”, he mumbles. “Maybe you should come and visit some day soon”, he continues. _Bad idea though, your apartment is a mess, if they come you are gonna have to clean_ , Mark’s mind argues. But what can he say? No, you are my friends but you are not welcome to see my apartment? Won’t work.

“How about on Saturday? By then we have conquered the first week of school”, Jeno asks.

“Sounds good”, Mark says. The others nod in agreement. Slowly they all flow to their seats and it is time to start another boring class again.

~~~~~

The first week goes by. Donghyuck is rather enjoying himself. He has gotten great new friends and has become considerably more relaxed in their company. Luckily they are though still so new friends that they won’t suddenly come and hug him or something like that. Mark and Renjun don’t even seem the kind of type to do such things suddenly but Jaemin, Jeno and Chenle on the other hand are different. Donghyuck must soon start to develope some great tactics to avoid being touched.

Speaking of Mark though. Donghyuck can’t help but to be intriqued. The boy is somewhat quiet and kind of awkward often, but on the other hand seems scarily perceptive at times. Donghyuck can already tell that Mark is a very kind person. He has a great sense of humour and he seems to be patient with other people’s annoying antics. Mark is the kind on person to want the best for everyone. But still Donghyuck can’t shake the feeling that there is something not so pretty under the surface that he should be able to seek.

~~~~~

It is Saturday. Mark wokes up only to realise it is indeed Saturday and that his friends are about to come and visit in two hours and Mark still hasn’t done anything to clean up the mess in his apartment. He really has tried but never found the energy to do it during the week. But right now there is no escaping the evident so Mark gets up grudgingly and starts to clean.

He takes out the garbage and finally also those papers littering the floor beside his outdoor. Mark puts all the dirty clothes to laundry basket and then proceeds to vacuum the floor. It is actually good that his friends are coming over so that he is finally forced to clean for once. Lastly Mark does the dishes. There is quite an impressive stack of dirty dish on the table. Mark grimases while swaying the sponge.

Around 2pm his friends arrive. They all have brought him something small as a housewarming gift. Mark feels really grateful. Jaemin and Jeno bring him a nice green plant to put in the living room. Renjun gives him a single butter knife, though it really is a nice butter knife. By the looks of it it is from Russia. Chenle gives Mark a framed photo of himself. Mark places it next to the plant on the tv-stand.

Donghyuck gifts him a packet of some sort of special tea. Mark smiles and thanks him. He takes the packet from Donghyuck, careful not to touch the boy accidentally while at it. At this point Mark is pretty convinced that Donghyuck doesn’t like to be touched.

“Wow, you really have a nice apartment!” Chenle shouts while running through the apartment. Mark laughs and proceeds to show the other boys around.

“Too bad you don’t have an extra room here, I would have moved in”, Jeno sighs. “I could really use some own apartment instead of still living with my parents.”

Renjun hums agreeingly. They’re currently sitting in the living room drinking cans of coke that Mark provided to everyone. They continue with discussing more about their summer, Donghyuck sharing some more information about his past, then some gossiping about the people in the school and so on. It turns out Renjun really was just spending his summer by traveling around Russia. He really recommends it. All in all it is really nice and relaxed afternoon.

At some point Jeno’s father calls that he is coming to pick his son up. Jaemin opts to go with Jeno. Renjun and Chenle live really close to each other so when Chenle is called home Renjun leaves with him. That leaves Mark and Donghyuck.

“Do you wanna stay? We could watch a movie or something?” Mark proposes to the younger.

“Yeah, sure”, Donghyuck smiles. They go to Mark’s room. Donghyuck observes the posters on the walls while Mark is busy fetching his laptop and starting it up. There are posters of some rappers, some Korean groups and bands, some older generation singers and so on. Mark also has a really impressice collection of CD’s, some expensive set of headphones and a nice quitar on the corner of the room. Donghyuck can see music means a lot to Mark.

“If you could listen to only three bands or artists for the rest of your life, which would they be?” Donghyuck suddenly throws a question to Mark. Mark stops fiddling with his laptop and turns to look at the younger with thoughtful expression on his face.

“Wow, that is not an easy question”, Mark says and sits down on his bed. He motions Donghyuck to do the same. The light brown haired boy sits down. Mark sees how to other one straightens his pants multiple times after sitting down.

“Let me think about it for a while. You should too, you are gonna answers the question after me”, Mark smiles at Donghyuck. Donghyuck answers with a grin. There are couple minutes of silence.

“Okay, I’ve got it. I would choose nothing,nowhere, The Rose and Coldplay”, Mark answers suddenly. Donghyuck watches him in curiosity.

“Why those?”, he challenges. Mark is silent for a couple of seconds.

“Their music speaks to me, you know? I feel like I can relate to many of their songs. They give me comfort”, Mark answers truthfully. Donghyuck nods, he undestands. He can sense the certain kind of melancholy in Mark’s answer, but he doesn’t wanna press it.

“How about you?”, Mark asks then.

“I think I would choose Michael Jackson, obviously since he’s the king”, Donghyuck starts and Mark smiles at that. “then NCT, they have such diverse songs, it would never become boring, and lastly Lady Gaga, because I need that kind of energy sometimes”, Donghyuck continues and finishes with determined nod. Mark nods too, satisfied with the younger’s answer.

“You don’t have any siblins right? How about your parents, what are they like?”, Donghyuck asks next. He has told the other boys about his family and others except Mark have shared something about theirs. Donghyuck lives with his mom and little brother. His father left when he was 11. The three of them have been a tight trio ever since. They have moved couple of times around the country following his mom’s job.

“Yeah, I’m the only child. My parents... they are really nice and have always supported me. My mom is a lawyer and my dad’s a doctor. Safe to say we have always had money. They have always done a lot of hours when it comes to working but always also found the time for me. I highly appreciate them both”, Mark smiles weakly. He seems to be really open whenever he speaks to Donghyuck.

“That’s nice to hear”, Donghyuck says quietly while smiling.

The movie is long forgotten, and instead the boys continue to talk through the evening. They talk about superficial things such as the best Disney movie, but also more meaningful like the best experiences of their lives. Mark feels like he has known Donghyuck a lot longer than he actually is.

~~~~~

Some weeks later Mark visits Donghyuck’s home the first time. It is Friday and they come straight from school. Donghyuck lives just about five minute walk from Mark’s apartment. They have a separate bedroom for all of the three, a nicely big kitchen and a cozy living room. The apartment building is lot older than the one where Mark lives but it is in good shape. Donghyuck, Jisung and their mom live on the fifth floor.

There’s quite a lot of furniture and all kinds of ornaments in the apartment plus paintings and decorative textile hanging on the walls. They give the apartment kind of a bohemian feeling to it. But despite all the stuff there is still very clean.

Donghyuck’s room is little more basic than the rest of the apartment and definitely the cleanest. Mark has the feeling that there is a specific place for every object in the room. He doesn’t dare to touch anything but it doesn’t bother him. He likes the room, it is very Donghyuck.

~~~~~

Mark doesn’t want to die. Even when he has felt worst in his life he has never considered suicide as an option. He doesn’t want to die. He wants to believe that things will be better eventually, even if it takes a long of time.

So obviously Mark can’t be depressed. Because depressed people are always suicidal, right? _Right_ , Mark decides and once again gets up from his bed after long time of considering.

~~~~~

Months roll by. Mark is managing. There are assignments and exams of the courses he’s attending to, he gets them barely done and passed. He doesn’t dare to tell his parents, he doesn’t want to be a disappointment.

The only classes he enjoys are the music classes he shares with Donghyuck. The song writing course consist of getting to know the history of producing and writing songs, learning different kind of techniques and the finally writing their own lyrics. Too bad that course is only evaluated by passing or failing. If it had a general evaluation Mark would have gotten a good grade of it.

The other music course, the band one, goes pretty well too. Mark’s and Donghyuck’s group decide on two songs: Bruno Mars’ Billionaire, where Donghyuck sings and Mark raps and the others are playing instruments and then on Ed Sheeran’s perfect, where singing is divided between Donghyuck and Chaeyoung. Mark plays quitar on that song. Mark was completely right when it comes to Donghyuck’s singing voice. It is propably the most beautiful thing he has ever heard.

The group performes the songs to the other participants of that music course and some friends of theirs. Jaemin, Jeno and Chenle obviously come to see the performance. They give hollering applause to Mark’s and Donghyuck’s group. Mark feels really happy that day.

~~~~~

Mark’s life goes on in an uneven haze. When he’s alone he feels hollow. He still fights with himself every morning whether to get up or not. Sometimes he loses the battle. On those days he gives his friends and teachers the excuse that he has a migraine or that he’s feeling under the weather.

Mark is incredibly disappointed in himself. He can’t get himself to clean or concentrate on schoolwork. He feels like he’s letting his parents down. He feels ashamed when he sometimes turns down to go out with his friends in order to sleep at his apartment.

Especially since his friends are the most important thing in his life. Jaemin who always has his back, Jeno who is the down-to-earth person in their group, Renjun with his wit and Chenle who never fails to make everyone laugh.

And then there’s Donghyuck. The boy who doesn’t like to be touched and has developed impressive tactics to avoid it. The boy who keeps repeating weird acts like pressing the tap, moving objects to straight lines and washing his hands with soap multiple times, all of these when he thinks no one is paying attention.

Donghyuck who, at some point Mark realises, means something more to him than just a friend. It is not a crush. Mark doesn’t feel that fuzzy feeling or butteflies flying in his stomach when he is with Donghyuck. He doesn’t find himself stuttering or being afraid he might embarass himself in front of the younger.

Instead Mark feels safe with Donghyuck. He doesn’t have to try so hard while being with the younger. Mark finds it so easy to talk with him, (even if there’s still some things they don’t talk about). Donghyuck is a diverse person with great sense of humour and witty remarks but also ability just to be there for other people, listen and help if it‘s possible.

It is not fireworks and giddy feelings. It is calm and comforting. Being with Donghyuck always makes Mark a little happier. Maybe he’s in love with Donghyuck.

~~~~~

Christmas is long gone and they are going far in the spring semester. The air outside is still chilly though and evenings are still dark. Donghyuck is in his room. Mark is coming over in a minute.

Donghyuck opts to close the curtains since it’s already dark and he doesn’t care to be shown to the world through his window while the lights in his room are on. So he starts to close the curtains. As established, that can be frustrating and time consuming thing for Donghyuck. And this time he really doesn’t seem to feel right. It takes five minutes fiddling with the curtains, then ten minutes, then fifteen minutes..

At this point Donghyuck can’t take it anymore. He rips the hole curtain down and proceeds to do the same to the other one. He throws them far away from himself and sinks to the floor. He sits his back leaning on the side of the bed and buries his face in his hands while fighting the tears forming in his eyes. Usually Donghyuck just gets his crazy acts done as if he was working on autopilot but sometimes it is all just too much. The frustration gets too high. Right now is that kind of moment. Donghyuck lets couple of tears to escape his eyes.

That’s how Mark finds him a moment later. Donghyuck’s mom let him in. Mark scans quickly through the room with his eyes noticing the ripped curtains. Then he looks back at the deflated boy on the floor.

“Donghyuck, what happened?”, he asks worriedly while carefully sitting down on the floor a little distance from Donghyuck. Donghyuck is quiet for a while before he takes his face out of his hands. He doesn’t look at Mark.

“Mark, I have an OCD”, he sighs then.

A couple seconds of silence.

“I know”, Mark whispers.

Donghyuck stares at the wall. He propably should ask Mark what gave it away. Or maybe he should explain a bit more about it and how it affects his life. But instead he thinks about Mark.

He thinks about how tired Mark always is. He thinks about how Mark seems to always be sleeping when someone of his friends calls him. About how messy his apartment is when Donghyuck shows up unannounced and Mark doesn’t have time to clean first. He thinks about the nothing,nowhere songs he listened to out of curiousity after Mark mentioned him in their discussion. How Mark said he could relate to those songs. He thinks about the hollowness in Mark’s eyes when he thinks no one is there to see it.

“Mark, do you think you are depressed?”

Mark doesn’t have an answer to that.

~~~~~

There’s a really long silence. Donghyuck stares at Mark and Mark stares at the leg of Donghyuck’s bed. At some point Donghyuck becomes sure that if they don’t get up right away they will never get up again. So he peels himself slowly off the floor. Mark doesn’t make a move.

“Come on Mark, let’s go get some fresh air”, Donghyuck says and walks towards the door. Luckily he can hear Mark slowly getting up.

The air outside is cold and it feels good. Donghyuck and Mark walk slowly along the deserted street. Streetlights are illuminating their way on the dark evening.

“You know my dad left when I was eleven. Maybe it was some sort of reaction to that but after that I got sick with eating disorder. I was just a child but already struggled with eating disorder. Luckily my mom realised that at some point and got me help. I know I broke her heart. But with help I got better and I’m pretty much cured from it now.

But what came to the picture when I started to get better from eating disorder was an OCD. You know, those two illnesses pretty much walk hand in hand. I guess I replaced one sick coping mechanism with another. First I didn’t even realise what was happening and when I did I could’t tell anyone anymore. I couldn’t break my mom’s heart again. And I haven’t been able to seek help myself. So I’ve been living with OCD for some years now.

I don’t like being touched because the thoughts and the need of having to wash myself immediately fill my mind. I keep repeating acts that make me feel horrible but also sane the same time and it is completely tiring. I have become much better at just accepting and doing those things but sometimes it just gets too frustrating. Like today”, Donghyuck tells, keeping his gaze on the rays of lights coming from streetlights ahead of them. He can see from his peripheral vision that Mark turns to look at his face. They have stopped walking.

“I’m sorry”, Mark whispers. Donghyuck turns to look him in the eyes. It is hard to say something that makes sense. Mark can only hope Donghyuck is able to understand the real meaning behind his sorry and can read the messages in his eyes. _It breaks my heart to hear what you’ve been through. None of this changes the way I see you. You deserve the world_. Maybe Donghyuck does undestand.

Donghyuck breaks their eye contact after a while. He starts to walk slowly again. Mark follows suit. They walk some time in a silence.

“Mark, you do know that depression doesn’t care about your social class or life situation, right?”

A silence, once again.

“I think I should go home”, Mark chokes out suddenly. Donghyuck turns to look at him with a sad expression. “Alone”, Mark adds to make it sure.

“Okay..”, Donghyuck says quietly.

Mark looks at him in the eyes for a second before starting to turn away to walk towards his house.

“Just don’t... please don’t hurt yourself”, Donghyuck whispers before Mark has time to leave. His voice sounds so desperate that Mark’s heart shatters a little. Mark turns back to facing him.

“I wont. I promise”, he promises to the younger. Mark wants to reach Donghyuck’s hand but obviously he can’t. So instead he holds an eye contact with him for couple of seconds before finally turning and walking away.

Donghyuck’s heart aches.

~~~~~

  
It is Friday morning. Mark has been to school last on Monday. Monday was also the day he was at Donghyuck’s and they had the talk. After that Mark hasn’t been able to do anything. He told his friends that he is sick and he kept on texting them until yesterday’s morning. After that he just haven’t picked up his phone anymore.

It is Mark’s turn to feel like everything is just too much. All the suppressed bad feelings from the last two years are finally bubbling to surface. After hearing Donghyuck think he’s depressed Mark is finally starting to actually consider the possibility instead of just denying everything.

And on top of all the other feelings there’s the scary fact that Mark is in love with Donghyuck. Usually that should be a good thing, being in love that is. But Mark can only think that it will end up in his own heartbreak. Because why would Donghyuck like him back? Why would someone like Donghyuck love Mark who is only a sad and pathetic excuse of a person. There’s no way.

Mark is laying on his bed, frustratedly wiping his tears on the sleeves of his shirt.

There’s a loud knock on the door. Mark doesn’t move a muscle. The knocking continues getting even louder.

“Mark, open this freaking door right now or I will kick it in!” Donghyuck shouts behind the door so loudly that everyone on the floor must have heard him. The tone of his voice doesn’t leave it to guessing whether he actually will kick the door down or not. Mark has to get up. So he gets reluctantly up and walks to the front door. Mark opens the door and takes couple steps back.

When the door opens Donghyuck nothing but lunges towards Mark. He wraps his arms around Mark’s neck and hugs the older tightly.

“You _fucking idiot_ , do you have _any_ idea how worried I have been?” Donghyuck hisses to Mark’s neck.

Mark is, safe to say, shocked. Donghyuck is touching him. Donghyuck is _hugging_ him. Mark stands there frozen for a couple of seconds before he wraps his arms around Donghyuck. This might be the only time he ever gets to hug the younger.

“Why the hell haven’t you answered your phone? I have been going crazy! I kept on thinking about the worst...”, Donghyuck whispers the last words voice wavering.

“I’m so sorry”, Mark whispers. He feels horrible. He never thought Donghyuck would feel this way.

Donghyuck finally releases his hold of Mark. He looks Mark in the eyes. Both of their eyes are glistening of unshed tears.

“Now you’re finally going to talk to me”, Donghyuck says and takes Mark’s hand. He leads Mark to sit on the bed. He takes seat next to Mark and let’s go of his hand.

Donghyuck’s whole body is burning. The sick part of his brain is going complete haywire. _Are you crazy! What the hell are you going hugging him? You are contaminated! You have to go wash yourself! Right now!!_

 _No_ , Donghyuck thinks. Not right now. Not when there’s something so much more important going on. And besides, this is Mark. This is _Mark_. The boy who means so much to Donghyuck. The sad boy who Donghyuck wants to give the world. The boy who Donghyuck has fallen in love with in so short time it is ridiculous.

He wants to be able to touch Mark. He _wants_ to touch Mark.

“Mark, please talk to me”, Donghyuck pleads. And Mark finally does. For the first time ever he shares all the darkest thoughts he has.

He tells how he has been feeling sad for the last two years. How he hates himself for it. How he has great parent and friends, money and everything seemingly in order but he still feels empty. How he thinks that makes him horrible and ungrateful person who doesn’t deserve anything.

How he feels ashamed about his grades at school and how he doesn’t have the energy or interest to improve them. How he thinks he’s letting his parents down because he doesn’t want to go to university and get a highly approved job. He tells how he is always so tired that he can sleep whenever. How he often doesn’t even want to get out of bed. How he is completely and utterly disappointed in himself.

Mark cries into his hands. Donghyuck’s heart is in thousands of pieces.

Donghyuck doesn’t know what to say. What can he say to make Mark realise he isn’t horrible person for feeling this way? That he doesn’t have a reason to feel ashamed?

“Mark...”, Donghyuck starts even though he’s not sure what he’s going to say.

“Mark, I know you probably won’t believe me but you are not a horrible and ungrateful person. You are anything but that. Like I told you before, depression doesn’t ask permission from your social class. Mark, you’re sick and it is not your fault. And there is help out there to get.”

“Mark I need you to know that you matter. You matter so, so much. To your friends, to your parents and to me. You are worth so much and any of this doesn’t diminish that even the tiniest bit”, Donghyuck takes a pause, breathes deep and then continues:

“I know this is propably the crappiest time ever but I have to tell you this. Mark I love you. You are the loveliest person I could ever meet. Being with you makes me so happy. I feel like I can be completely myself around you. You don’t judge me even if you know how messed up I am.

And I would never judge you. Mark I think you deserve everything and more. I don’t know if you feel at all the same way about me as I feel about you, but whatever the case, I need you to know that I am always here for you.”

Mark takes his hands off of his face and turns to look at Donghyuck with his red, puffy eyes blown open.

_Is this really happening? Did Donghyuck seriously just say that he loves me? Me?_

Donghyuck and Mark stare at each other. Donghyuck is hoping that Mark will say something, anything. After a while Mark finally opens his mouth:

“I love you too”, he whispers.

They are both same time heartbroken but also the happiest they have ever been.

They don’t kiss, or hug or even touch each other. Later that day Donghyuck takes an hour long shower. Things don’t magically turn better, but this is a starting point for something new.

~~~~~

“Okay, I’m going in first, it’s gonna take an hour. You wait here and then it is your turn. If you run away I will break up with you”, Donghyuck says looking at Mark.

“Aye, aye, sir!” Mark exclaims and does a salute.

“Mark, I’m dead serious”, Donghyuck says without any hint of amusement in his voice or face.

“I know. I won’t run away”, Mark sighs. Donghyuck’s face melts in to a smile. He turns on his heels and walks to knock on the door. The school nurse opens the door and lets Donghyuck inside.

Mark is standing in the waiting room of the school nurse’s room. He takes a seat after couple of minutes.

Mark and Donghyuck have been together for a few weeks now. They have discussed about their conditions a lot and now they have made a deal that they will both finally seek help. So they have both made an appointment with the school nurse. It is the first step of getting help. The school nurse will listen and survey their condition and then proceed to guide them to the right place to get help.

Donghyuck’s hour with the nurse goes really fast and soon Mark sees him coming out of the room. Donghyuck is carrying some papers and leaflets in his hands.

Mark’s heart is thrumming in his chest. He is really about to go and talk to a professional about this. He never thought he would get to this point. He can actually get help. And of that he can only thank the beautiful light brown haired boy who’s now walking towards him.

Mark gets up from his seat. Donghyuck nods to him and smiles encouragingly. Mark walks to the door, knocks and goes in. Donghyuck sits to the chair and waits for him.

~~~~~

Mark ends up finally telling his parents. And they are indeed disappointed in Mark. But not for the reasons Mark initially thought. No, they are not disappointed because their son is depressed and doesn’t want to go to university. They are disappointed because Mark never told them he wasn’t feeling good and because Mark thought they wouldn’t support his decisions about his future. They hug Mark tightly and tell him that only thing they want is Mark to be happy.

Donghyuck doesn’t tell his mom and Jisung. He doesn’t want to. But he does tell their friends. He explains everything about his OCD and finally gives the reason why he always has been dodging their touches. Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun and Chenle are are happy that Donghyuck could finally open up to them. It is a huge relief to Donghyuck that nothing changes between him and his friends.

Donghyuck encourages Mark to tell their friends about his depression too, but Mark doesn’t want to. He is not ready. He told his parents and for now that’s enough. Donghyuck can undestand him perfectly.

~~~~~

A couple months later it is time for their high school graduation. Mark’s grades are horrible and it was near that he wouldn’t graduate at all. But he does in the end, thankfully, graduate. And it feels so good. He’s finally free of high school and ready to start pursue towards something he actually cares and enjoys about.

After the ceremony Donghyuck, Mark, Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun and Chenle – who by the way is whining all the time because he couldn’t graduate with his friends – go together to get ice cream from the best parlour of the city before they have to go to their respective homes and celebrate with their family and relatives. An hour they spend together is filled with laughter and feeling light and relieved.

On the way walking back towards home, Donghyuck kisses Mark for the first time. It is just a light peck on the lips but it means a world to the two of them.

They know they will be just fine.


End file.
